When Depression Hits

There are times when it seems as if the entire world is against you, and no matter what you do... you can't do it well. 

The past few weeks... no the past year it seems as if no matter what I did, I would inevitably fail. 

That thought constantly crossed my mind, and made me want to give everything up, and run away.

I keep telling myself that I'll do better, that I'll study harder, that I just didn't give it my all. Bullshit. 

I'm not someone who swears but even I know now how stupid I was. 

I know I gave it my all because if I didn't, the result wouldn't effect my mindset as much. 

I studied not only the night before, but the week before. I asked questions in class, I wrote everything down I deemed important.

When the exams and assignments came, I did them confidently and was sure of my answers. Believing I had gotten at least an A on everything. 

When the exams were handed back, the marks released, I fell into the fetal position and cried for hours on end. I didn't even get a 50%.

I know for a fact I've gained valuable skills since moving away from home, but all the skills I've gained are not through academics. I've gained connections and worthwhile relationships. I've also unfortunately gained chronic depression which makes me not want to leave my room for months on end. 

You'd think someone who seems as smiley as me, would not struggle with depression but it happens. 

Sometimes the saddest people are the ones who constantly show a smile.

I just need a break. I need a break so I can think about where I went wrong. I need a break so I can improve myself mentally. I need a break so I can fix myself. I need a break from everything.

One thing that constantly brings me happiness is youtube, whether it is uploading videos, interacting with subscribers, or even seeing my like and subscriber count grow. I even gain happiness just from watching youtube videos, its what has helped me stay sane in the years I've been at University. 

Uploading a single video, then days later reading all the positive comments and seeing all the likes, it makes me feel that for once what I'm doing is worthwhile, and that my hard work is paying off finally. 

I get the hate comments every once in a while, and those hurt. A lot. Especially on my instagram where sometimes they will repost my photo and people will just insult me in the comments below. Hate is inevitable while trying to grow a fanbase. Not everyone will like you, not everyone will want to be your friend, and I've come to terms with that. 

What I cannot seem to become friendly with though is my depression. It keeps eating me alive, killing my confidence and making me want to run away constantly. It's the fight or flight scenario. But in academics you can't fight and that's the problem. What will I say if I fight my grades quoting my misunderstanding of my professor's English because they are not fluent? I'll just be ignoring the fact that they have a degree in the field, they are qualified to teach, just their language skills may not be the best. Will I say that what I wrote is correct, and I should be given the marks? How will I prove that? The professor is the one who deems your work's success, they're the ones who hold the key to you passing the entire class.

I literally struggled one entire course, trying to figure out my professor, especially when he would start speaking in mandarin because he didn't know how to say something in English. When I handed in an essay, it was 0.25 pages short, and he told me he would not mark the essay and that it showed how I did not pay attention in his class. He even questioned my attendance because of my signature on the attendance sheet... yes my signature sometimes will get a bit messy if I am in a rush... but to lose 15% of my final grade due to his questioning is not worth my time. 

I always tell first years, just keep trying and if you don't do well first year that is okay because you have all the other years to catch up. I entirely believed it too, but if the reasoning behind the bad grades is that one is unable to reach the level of academic excellence that is required, then maybe one should rethink their options. 

I went from aiming for 100% in high school, to being thankful for a 60% in University. I go to one of the top Universities in the World and I regret my choice entirely. I can only partially blame my high school for not caring about academics, and thus leading me to enter University on the level that some of my classmates were in middle school. I partially blame my University that prides itself on the amount of students that they flunk out within the years, the idea that one class professor actually told a class that only 2 students out of 100 would graduate, and only one of those students would graduate with honours. I also blame my professors who pride themselves on low averages for a class. I literally had one professor say that everyone did too well on the midterm and so the exam was much harder and almost everyone failed (including me). I had a friend who's midterm average for her class was 42% and the prof did not see anything wrong with the average and was proud that their work was challenging. I had a professor even cancel a class because they decided to go on a vacation, and while I was thankful to sleep in, they added extra work for us to do during that little vacation they had. 

What is wrong with me with depression hits? I want to be left alone. I ignore friends, family, even business connections due to mental health reasons and by ignoring them I cannot get better. 

My biggest dream right now is to go on a vacation and forget about everything, I just want to spend the time focusing on new experiences and learning, while enjoying myself. But to go on a vacation you must have money, and all my money (and all my parents money) is going towards a University education which I am sick and tired of. Right now I am travelling through my friends and through youtube videos, but that can only do so much. I've even made a promise to myself to save up what money I have from my birthday, christmas and other holidays in order to go. Sadly, the money I saved up on my birthday went to medicinal supplies for a hurt arm, and also towards groceries.

I've got to keep trying, but what I used to love, I now hate. I've got to figure things out again and not let depression get the best of me. 

Below is a video and English lyrics to a song which fits me best now: 

Song: Goodbye Sadness, Hello Happiness by Yoon Mi Rae

Performance by: Kim Myung Ju

English Translation:

And now it's over, love is over
This must be where our memories end
The words for this to be eternal, I so love you
Everythings becoming faded in time now

Everything we did together in this world
I'm sure our traces will all be erased as well
Time that I was happy in, goodbye now
Go on living in a place where there's no sadness

Goodbye sadness, be on your way, hide your tears
Hello my happiness, you're here to stay, stay by my side
One day in my life, in an awesome moment
I'll probably long for our longing love then

Everything we did together in this world
Take pictures of all the precious moments
Time that I was happy in, goodbye now
I'll cherish you forever inside my heart

Goodbye sadness, be on your way, hide your tears
Hello my happiness, you're here to stay, stay by my side
One day in my life, in an awesome moment
I'll probably be able to take out our memories then

My memories, please don't leave me
Without you I have no happiness

Goodbye sadness, be on your way, hide your tears
Hello my happiness, you're here to stay, stay by my side
One day in my life, in an awesome moment
I'll probably be able to take out our love then

Sadness, goodbye now..

My Biggest Struggle

I've been thinking a lot recently and a lot of it has to do with my self-confidence battle.

I have struggled to maintain my confidence for as long as I can remember, the earliest I can remember being insecure was when I had first gone through puberty in elementary school and started getting stares from the boys in my class.

The next time was when I had taken the grade 6 music class. I had been singing since I was 4 years old, and so I had the idea that I was a really good singer because I only received compliments in choir. I was practising a song for a test and then my good friend at the time decided to inform me that she was not a fan of my voice and didn't like my singing..... So I struggled a lot at that time because I had the idea in my head that I was a good singer, then her honesty made me realize I was too confident and so it was a big blow! 

Then I take singing lessons starting grade 8 and at first I was so excited! The teacher promised to help raise my self-confidence which had been through a battle with bullies in middle school... but it actually made it a lot worse. I would spend my lessons pretending to march in a living room while singing a song, and the reason why was that she had wanted me to be comfortable on stage. I just got even more uncomfortable and was upset to see that despite taking lessons I hadn't improved.

In all honesty most of my self-confidence struggle has been a result of bullying throughout my middle and high school years. I mean... there's nothing I could have done about my situation at that time because I was doing everything in my power already.

Even now in high school I struggle constantly with my self-confidence, especially when it comes to singing. I say to myself that I've been singing for 16 years and so I should not worry about being judged on singing but then I notice that my singing doesn't get much attention compared to reactions and I'm left wondering about who wants to listen to my voice.

I had an old singing channel and all my old videos kept getting hate comments, and I would reply asking them to watch recent videos because they would comment hate on videos from 5 years ago.
I would upload new singing covers, and get at most only 4 views. It's a big blow to my confidence after working so hard year after year as a singer and nothing seems to be what the viewers are looking for.

I even jokingly sang the intro to one korean show I watch in the intro of a reaction video... Not being serious or anything because it was the first time I had been singing it and I also was trying to be quiet so my roommates didn't hear... but what comments did I get on that video? Stuff like "bad singer" "bad voice" "don't sing" I mean really? they took the time to comment on a video where I wasn't even being serious in my singing.... I deleted the comments and they didn't bother me as much.

What hurts my self-confidence the most is when I do upload a singing cover and it only receives at most 200 views. I'm extremely picky with covers and so I'll often avoid uploading them because I am worried about hate comments, so I'm 100 times more harsh on myself.

The self-confidence struggle I have is not something new, or something that is brought on by my kpop love. I mean, yea I do korean auditions and I know that my chances are slim to none in comparison to any other asian, but it's also allowed me to meet more people and more fans of my music so it's actually helped my self-confidence a lot.

What has been the biggest blow to my confidence is the fact that a couple years ago I would have been asked to do a performance every month, but now I get asked to perform every other month. Yet, I still practice singing and performing for a couple hours each day. I know my hard work will pay off in the end, but I'm questioning when the end will be? I hope its soon because I do feel like I am at the peak of my performing and singing life, and I wish to make the most out of it while I can.