I've been thinking a lot recently and a lot of it has to do with my self-confidence battle.
I have struggled to maintain my confidence for as long as I can remember, the earliest I can remember being insecure was when I had first gone through puberty in elementary school and started getting stares from the boys in my class.
The next time was when I had taken the grade 6 music class. I had been singing since I was 4 years old, and so I had the idea that I was a really good singer because I only received compliments in choir. I was practising a song for a test and then my good friend at the time decided to inform me that she was not a fan of my voice and didn't like my singing..... So I struggled a lot at that time because I had the idea in my head that I was a good singer, then her honesty made me realize I was too confident and so it was a big blow!
Then I take singing lessons starting grade 8 and at first I was so excited! The teacher promised to help raise my self-confidence which had been through a battle with bullies in middle school... but it actually made it a lot worse. I would spend my lessons pretending to march in a living room while singing a song, and the reason why was that she had wanted me to be comfortable on stage. I just got even more uncomfortable and was upset to see that despite taking lessons I hadn't improved.
In all honesty most of my self-confidence struggle has been a result of bullying throughout my middle and high school years. I mean... there's nothing I could have done about my situation at that time because I was doing everything in my power already.
Even now in high school I struggle constantly with my self-confidence, especially when it comes to singing. I say to myself that I've been singing for 16 years and so I should not worry about being judged on singing but then I notice that my singing doesn't get much attention compared to reactions and I'm left wondering about who wants to listen to my voice.
I had an old singing channel and all my old videos kept getting hate comments, and I would reply asking them to watch recent videos because they would comment hate on videos from 5 years ago.
I would upload new singing covers, and get at most only 4 views. It's a big blow to my confidence after working so hard year after year as a singer and nothing seems to be what the viewers are looking for.
I even jokingly sang the intro to one korean show I watch in the intro of a reaction video... Not being serious or anything because it was the first time I had been singing it and I also was trying to be quiet so my roommates didn't hear... but what comments did I get on that video? Stuff like "bad singer" "bad voice" "don't sing" I mean really? they took the time to comment on a video where I wasn't even being serious in my singing.... I deleted the comments and they didn't bother me as much.
What hurts my self-confidence the most is when I do upload a singing cover and it only receives at most 200 views. I'm extremely picky with covers and so I'll often avoid uploading them because I am worried about hate comments, so I'm 100 times more harsh on myself.
The self-confidence struggle I have is not something new, or something that is brought on by my kpop love. I mean, yea I do korean auditions and I know that my chances are slim to none in comparison to any other asian, but it's also allowed me to meet more people and more fans of my music so it's actually helped my self-confidence a lot.
What has been the biggest blow to my confidence is the fact that a couple years ago I would have been asked to do a performance every month, but now I get asked to perform every other month. Yet, I still practice singing and performing for a couple hours each day. I know my hard work will pay off in the end, but I'm questioning when the end will be? I hope its soon because I do feel like I am at the peak of my performing and singing life, and I wish to make the most out of it while I can.
I would upload new singing covers, and get at most only 4 views. It's a big blow to my confidence after working so hard year after year as a singer and nothing seems to be what the viewers are looking for.
I even jokingly sang the intro to one korean show I watch in the intro of a reaction video... Not being serious or anything because it was the first time I had been singing it and I also was trying to be quiet so my roommates didn't hear... but what comments did I get on that video? Stuff like "bad singer" "bad voice" "don't sing" I mean really? they took the time to comment on a video where I wasn't even being serious in my singing.... I deleted the comments and they didn't bother me as much.
What hurts my self-confidence the most is when I do upload a singing cover and it only receives at most 200 views. I'm extremely picky with covers and so I'll often avoid uploading them because I am worried about hate comments, so I'm 100 times more harsh on myself.
The self-confidence struggle I have is not something new, or something that is brought on by my kpop love. I mean, yea I do korean auditions and I know that my chances are slim to none in comparison to any other asian, but it's also allowed me to meet more people and more fans of my music so it's actually helped my self-confidence a lot.
What has been the biggest blow to my confidence is the fact that a couple years ago I would have been asked to do a performance every month, but now I get asked to perform every other month. Yet, I still practice singing and performing for a couple hours each day. I know my hard work will pay off in the end, but I'm questioning when the end will be? I hope its soon because I do feel like I am at the peak of my performing and singing life, and I wish to make the most out of it while I can.
